Saturday, March 17, 2007

I feel good...really good

On Tuesday, I will magically switch decades in my life, with the ticking of a clock move from one stage of life to another, or so they say. I don't really think our lives are arranged in decades, but popular thought seems to tend otherwise.

In a way, I can't wait to leave my thirties behind me. Looking back, it was a decade of spinning wheels, indecision, and wasted time. Okay, so I had all three of my children in my thirties. They are the best blessing anyone could have, but so much else was going on that they didn't get the perfect, planned childhood I had dreamed of. Life gets in the way.

For one thing, we moved. A lot. From Minnesota to Missouri back to northwestern Minnesota, to my old neighborhood in suburban Minnesota to a remote valley in northern California, to here, but almost back to California. To here, finally, the place where my dreams live. I'm going to move away from the new house when they drag my cold, stiff body out of it.

I realize now I was depressed a lot in my thirties. Not suicidal depressed, (okay, maybe once, but luckily I was too chicken to cut my own flesh) but just not into living. And that's a terrible thing to give your children.

I have not felt depressed for a long time. Today the sun was shining, and while I was washing dishes Calvin asked if I would come outside and play lacrosse with him. My stepdaughter had just given him a lacrosse set, two netted sticks and a plastic ball. So I did, and he had me going into the woods fetching the ball far too many times, but we had fun. Spontaneous, outdoor fun. I could not have done that three years ago. Or maybe two. Or one.

Then, after I got the dishes done, I felt like a little walk in the woods. It was there that I saw the spores of the cinnamon ferns, pictured above, standing over the snow. It doesn't take a lot of effort to find something here that really moves me.

So it is coming up on spring, I am going to move into my dream house this summer, I am going to have my best garden ever, and even sell at the farmers market and play music there. Who could ask for anything more?

9 comments:

AMANDA said...

I'm happy you are seeing the sunshine again!

pablo said...

I remember my 30s. Lots and lots of kid activities. Also, graduate school.

Deb said...

No fair, you commented before I finished posting! I hit some button, somewhere...

Madcap said...

Well, I'll look forward to that then!

Glad to see that spring's moving through your veins, Deb. Happy Birthday!

MojoMan said...

Bringing three children into the world is way more than most people accomplish in a decade. Be satisfied and proud.

With my 30's and 40's behind me, allow me to offer two suggestions: (1)Stick with your swimming and/or other regular aerobic exercise. (2) Find time to sit quietly alone with a notebook. Write down your dreams and things that bug you. Then, work on both. This might help give a sense of structure and control to life.

Deb said...

amanda- welcome here, and that sunshine is nice. :)

pablo- kid activities and grad school at the same time? I have a new respect for you!

madcap- good to see you here! Yes, spring is working its wonders, slowly.

mojoman- that sounds like very good advice, and I thank you for it. I think the exercise thing is especially important; I notice a difference whenever I swim, or go for a walk with my dog, or even the fifteen minutes of lacrosse catch with my son.

Greg said...

congrats deb on being happy. it's no small accomplishment. a very nice introspective post. best wishes to you.

PJ said...

I always read your blog-only a few comments here and there, but I must say this post really spoke to me...as I have just recently moved to my dream spot myself after TOO MANY moves to places I wouldn't choose...and as I go into late 30's I can feel I might be coming out of a fog to a more a internal North for me...so to speak. Your blog is inspirational for me...

Deb said...

greg- thanks!

pj- good to hear from you. Congrats on arriving at your dream spot! Moving is so stressful, and moving repeatedly is worse.