The road to 50

I turned 49 on Sunday. That means I'm counting down 361 days to a milestone age. And suddenly I'm thinking about where my life is, where I want it to be, etc. and, how I can make this one wild and precious life the best it can be. Not that I didn't think about it before, but face it: I will, for all practical purposes, have two kids in college next year (Nina will be full time Post Secondary Enrollment Opportunity, spending her senior year of high school at Lake Superior College; Vinny will be at University of Minnesota-Duluth). It's a time of letting them fly, but also a time to discover myself. 

A lot of good things have happened over the last few years. I've started practicing yoga, which has had great mental and physical benefits. I've started seriously running and completed two half marathons. I have played a few musical gigs and even developed a group of friends who come out to see me play. In short, I have become much more comfortable in my own skin. 

Still, there are things I want to be better at. Parts of myself that still scare me! I think one of the best ways of working these things out is by writing. I used to blog a lot, and I think the time has come once more. There is so much I have discovered that I want to share.

I don't have a plan for this. I don't want to commit myself to a post a day, because one day I'll break down and not post, and, seeing I have broken the commitment I'll say "What's the use?" And not post for months. So, let me just say, I want to share, regularly, stuff that makes me stand in awe. Stuff that makes me think. There's a lot of beauty that happens every single day, if we allow ourselves to see it.

So today I had some time between work and yoga class. I am fortunate to be able to take a yoga class in the small town/rural area where I live. I started with a class offered through Community Education, then a few classes with a circle of friends, and now I am taking advantage of the class at Anytime Fitness. Getting back to today, the sun was out, weather warm enough to go for a short hike along the Kettle River. The photo above is at Robinson Park, a former sandstone quarry from the 1900's, from which the town of Sandstone gets its name. The trees have grown up among the piles of rock, but the Kettle River flows on.

My intentions for 2016

I sat down with the intention of writing intentions for 2016, with no single intention in mind. These statements came to me clearly and unexpectedly.

-GROW in art and music. Define my musical style. Define myself as an artist and musician with a message.

-CELEBRATE the abilities of my physical body, and work towards ever improving fitness. Cross the finish line of the Garry Bjorklund Half Marathon (and maybe another?) feeling GOOD! 

-MOVE deeper into self understanding through yoga, meditation, and writing.

-USE my gifts to help realize my vision of a human society aware of its connectedness with ALL. (I had a hard time phrasing this one; what I am trying to say is I believe there is no duality between human and nonhuman, living and inanimate, alive at this moment and alive in some past time; we are all the same infinite energy.)

HONOR my time as precious and fleeting.

GIVE THANKS in every moment.

Namaste and may you find happiness in 2016.

Returning to the path

To me, blogging has always been about truth. Speaking the truth, and in doing so, trying to find the truth. I am inconveniently blessed with the desire to find the real truth, not some version that carries great authority, nor some version that feels good and brings me close to a circle of like minded people. 

Truth is an elusive thing. Every artist, every composer or musician creates their version of it, honed by experience. Some come close to getting it right. I was playing a Bach partita on flute today, sight reading it actually; I have had this sheet music for over 25 years and had never looked beyond the first movement. Life has this sneaky way of getting in the way. But when I play Bach, whether it is a piece I know or one that is new to me, I feel a sense of "rightness". The phrases progress precisely the way they need to. There is truth in that. 

So maybe my lack of blogging frequency in recent years has been due to a feeling that I am not completely expressing the truth about my existence. I'm not telling outright lies, nor do I have the need to, but there are truths out there that I am not comfortable putting in words for everyone to see. Is there anyone who can't say that? 

For example, when I started this blog, I (rather pompously) considered myself a "homesteader"--you know, the self sufficient lifestyle, to various degrees. I even included the term in my blog description. But over the years, the term has lost its meaning to me and I no longer identify with it. To tell the ongoing story, of how we built our own house and all that, means leaving out some truths that don't fit that "homesteader" image. The human fallibility. The stuff I don't want others to see, mostly. 

But now that I'm older (50 is on the not so distant horizon), I'm inclined to care less about what others think, and so long as I do not go dramatic, a little raw honesty is a good thing. In fact, it may even help me write those songs I've been trying to all these years. You see, I'm not a singer songwriter, like I want to be. I'm

a parrot, a cover artist who just happens to be able to pull it off because I sound a bit like Emmylou Harris. :)

So what am I trying to say here? What in God's name am I blathering about? It is this: I want to return to a time when writing came more easily to me, but I want to add the wisdom and honesty that only years can bring. Who knows where it will go; the fact that I am sitting here typing this out on my iPhone is a miracle in itself. So, we'll see. 

Changes in attitudes

Remember how I used to rant about all terrain vehicles?

We own one now. And that very grown up looking young man, and one very capable driver, is my son Vinny. Now 5'11 or so.

It was an evolution in attitude. I used to be a Thoreau-driven, Luddite kind of person. But when you have 40 acres, and the acreage tends to get grown up in brush if you ignore it, and trees fall across established trails, it's hard to maintain the land without horsepower. Or gasoline power. And given that snow falls in the winter, and we have a very long driveway, and it's hard to do with a city-dweller snowblower...well, enough excuses. And Vinny doesn't need excuses. At 14, he's ready to ride!

The best thing is, we will use it to plow my new garden spot. After a lot of frustration, and deliberation, I have decided to move my garden out to the old horse pasture in the front part of our land.

I was getting tired of grasses and other weeds constantly getting into my raised beds. Which weren't really raised beds, considering I tilled down below the boards every spring, and pulled up new rocks all the time. Many of the beds were rotten and needed replacing. Added to that is the fact that some aspens are growing just south of the garden, and will shade it in the near future. The old horse pasture has less rocks, and has been enriched by manure for a while. I plan to do a more "traditional" garden, plowing up an area instead of maintaining individual beds.

Besides, the kids needed additional space in the outfield of our backyard baseball field.

Vinny and I saw this porcupine while he was taking me on a 4 wheeler tour. Not the best picture, but it was fun to see after a bumpy ride across the swamp on the old railroad grade.

This has been a very mild November thus far. We had a couple of inches of snow the other day but it has disappeared, and the pond has frozen over and thawed, and Sally can still go for a swim. She is beginning to dislike going out in the deep water; I imagine when the water is in the 30's, even a Labrador will give it a second thought.

so what's up?

I don't know about my whole blog energy lately. This blog is such a part of me I will not quit it, ever, but I just have a hard time keeping up. Maybe it's the whole computer location thing. The computer is still in the cabin, which is just out of WiFi range of the house. I can't get used to blogging on my iPhone anyway, the computer needs to stay in the cabin for space and gaming reasons (the XBox is there, dammit!), and it is hard for me to come out the the cabin and write what I want to write. And I do really want to write.

So what does this mean? I don't know. I know that I want to write, and I have to keep working at it. I know that there are so many things I want to say that remain unsaid. I will work at it.

Did I mention my son Vinny is now at least 3 inches taller than me, and my daughter Nina is catching up fast? Wow. And Vinny made a pretty mature decision to not go out for football. Or basketball. He is a baseball guy. And I like that. Football takes so much time, what with two a days and all that, and I think as long as he concentrates on his talents, which include baseball, music, AND every topic in school, he will do all right. He actually told me "I will have more time to focus on academics." To hear this from a 14 year old kid is priceless. He told me his math teacher said he was probably the smartest kid in his class. And I believe it!!

Ah, time. Vinny drives the old truck like it's second nature. Next summer he will be taking driver's ed. Meanwhile, I stop and try to breathe in every last breath of August that I can...

easing back in to work

It felt surreal driving into the parking lot by the strange looking blue and white pole building that has been my workplace for the past eight years, and where I worked for seven years before that. Before children, before the tough decision to follow my husband's job opportunity in a different state, before all of the strange path that led me back here. I had been off work for nearly three weeks due to the state government shutdown, my longest break from work at any time that I have been actively employed. I had found myself enjoying the time off, not worrying about the money I was not making, not being ruled by a time clock.

As a rule, I rarely show up to work "on time". It drives my boss crazy sometimes, and I'm sure it annoys others, but I think there is more to life than being punctual. I showed up my usual ten minutes or so late, and did not miss a thing. As usual.

I did not have a hundred emails waiting for reply. I did not have a "to do" list a mile long. Pretty much as I had left my desk three weeks ago. My job is like that, I don't have responsibility for many urgent things, but what I do has value in the long run. My boss was on vacation, there were no immediate plans, so I decided to do something that might be of value somewhere down the road. I hopped in a truck, hooked up "my" boat, and headed for a lake to take a leisurely cruise around the shoreline.

Now that may sound kind of like a luxury job, but I had a reason for my choice. This lake, on the border of Pine and Carlton counties, has had Eurasian watermilfoil in it for about six years. Being the person in the office responsible for aquatic plants, I have followed the progress of this species, considered invasive in certain situations, in this lake for about four years now. What I have found has been interesting: while for a year or so there was considerable growth of Eurasian watermilfoil, and some control efforts were undertaken, the plant all but disappeared from the lake a couple of years ago. Since then it has appeared here and there, but nowhere at a level I would call "invasive". I had not heard anything about milfoil in the lake this year; I considered no news to be good news, but I wanted to check it out for myself.

I was alone, I had "my" boat, the weather was nice, and I was headed for a good day. The solo launch went well; I am one of those rare women who can back a boat down a ramp and launch it myself! I was sidetracked momentarily by a battery connection problem. It turned out the connectors were pretty corroded, so I filed them off and got the boat started. I like being able to solve problems.

It was a good day out. I found Eurasian watermilfoil in a few spots, mostly where it had been before and not growing in any quantity. I found more lush growth of native plants, such as whitestem pondweed, largeleaf pondweed, variable leaf pondweed, and others. I have found that when a lake has a lot of native vegetation like that, invasive species find it harder to take hold.

I also saw kids jumping of docks, smiling and laughing. I saw a dog swimming out to retrieve a tennis ball thrown by his human friend. I was reminded of my childhood days at the lake, swimming all afternoon and never getting tired. My job is a paradox: while "working" I experience all the fun things a Minnesota summer at the lake is supposed to be, but as an observer. I find myself wanting to be that girl on the sailboard again, finding joy on the water, on my own.

Weather and politics are making me surly...

Another Monday at home. While I rather enjoyed the first couple weeks of the MN state government shutdown, I am getting a little antsy about my extended vacation. I can apply to get my first unemployment check this week, but if there is a budget agreement this week and it includes back pay to July 1st, I would just have to pay it back. So I'll wait another day or so...

It's not the money that's bothering me. I'm saving about $50 a week on gas, cutting back on household expenses, and making do with back pay and The Hermit's income. And while I basically like my job, I am not going stir crazy being away from it and my coworkers. I try to not let my job define my life. And if there is one thing this vacation period has shown me, I have a life outside of my job that is much more meaningful than earning a paycheck.

What bothers me is that, while Governor Mark Dayton pulled what I think was an incredibly savvy move and agreed last Thursday to the Republican legislative majority's budget plan, MINUS a few social agenda issues that I do not think should ever be part of a budget bill, the legislators have continued with business as usual, bickering, dragging their feet, and complaining about the legislation THEIR party drafted. They are basically holding 22,000 state employees hostage, not to mention those that depend on suspended services. Dayton will not call a special session to end the budget stalemate until all the ducks are in a row so to speak, which I think is wise governing, because with the pathetic toddlers we have in office, a special session without said ducks in a row could turn ugly. So I may return to work later this week. Or not. I never thought it could come to this.

By the way, my state senator and representative are both Democrats, very much involved in the community and good examples of responsible elected officials. I was in a school/community musical last fall with the wife of Senator Tony Lourey, their three children, and the granddaughter of Representative Bill Hilty. I am proud to know them and to have voted for them. I am glad that they are not part of the party that created this fiasco.

So here I sit at home. It's better, however, than being out working in chest waders on a lake this week. The whole state of Minnesota is experiencing a high pressure system producing heat and humidity that has not been seen in years. It is 91 degrees here now, with humidity off the charts. This is expected to last throughout this week. I have complained about frost in July before; this is just another turn of Minnesota weather. We even have an air conditioner now. I have never thought one would be of much use here, maybe one or two days a year. However, my stepson Ryan happened to have one that would not fit any of his windows, so he loaned it to us. It would not fit any windows in the house, so we put it in the cabin. It is a mixed blessing. It provides a thermal refuge, but it makes it that much harder to go outside or to the house and face the reality of summer. Summer here is so short anyway, I won't complain, but I can't even play my mandolin because of the humidity!

So I'll end on this note: When the going gets tough, the tough get Surly. Surly beer, that is. Perhaps the only good thing that came out of this year's MN legislative session was a bill that allowed this successful MN microbrew to sell their own beer at a proposed brewery/restaurant. Imagine that! That such a proposal had any opponents is living proof that we have not reached the age of political enlightenment. Yet. Until then, I'll sit back, enjoy the show, and sip a Surly CynicAle. Perfect. Or maybe I should just forget state work and apply for a job at Surly. :)

The first of March (or, my annual optimistic spring-is-almost-here post)

The first day of March should be considered a holiday. I’m talking a full blown, no holds barred celebration complete with music, dancing, bonfires, and revelry!

Why, you may ask, especially if you live a lot closer to the equator than I do. Why? The official explanation is that the first of March is considered to be the first day of “meteorological spring”. That is, the typical coldest 90 days during the calendar year, December 1-February 28, are behind us.

In my mind, winter officially loses its death grip when the calendar page turns over. Yes, we may still have some nights of subzero temperatures, and you can expect a snowstorm or two. But when March arrives, whether as a lion or a lamb, the weather is guaranteed to get warmer. Sooner rather than later. Snow will melt on a sunny day and freeze with a solid crust at night. Patches of open ground will be revealed. The cool sweet smell of damp earth will permeate the air at twilight.

The warmth of the sun and the motion of flowing water will work together to break through the fragile ice on the Kettle River. The newly opened patches of water will attract a pair of trumpeter swans or Canada geese or hooded mergansers. Kestrels and red winged blackbirds will appear over every marsh and field as the tawny grasses emerge from their winter snow cover.

And I will emerge once again from what always seems like the long sleep of winter. I will plant seeds, which is after all one of the most optimistic acts in the world. I will bask in the warmth of a sunny afternoon at the south facing window by the wood stove, and not know which is warming me more. In my hands will be a musical instrument playing tunes that seem just a bit more lively than I played a month ago.

Then I will go outside, running, laughing, filling my lungs with cool air at sunset. And so it begins again, as it always does.

Now where was I?

It's depressing, really. I was looking at my blog posts from last year, about this time, and they sound too familiar. For someone who prides myself in personal growth, this year has been a bust. I'm right back where I started.

I even missed my sixth blogiversary, which happened on January 21st. But I can be excused, maybe, for not thinking of my own milestones that weekend. On Sunday morning, the 23rd, I nonchalantly checked my Facebook page on my iPhone, and found some devastating news. Jim, a friend from nearly the start of this blog, had passed away. It literally knocked the breath out of me.

When I started blogging, I never imagined that I could develop friendships that transcend place. And when I thought I had reached that level, I thought "oh no. you've never met them IN PERSON. You don't know what they're really like."

So why did I find myself feeling like I had the wind knocked out of me, crying uncontrollably, feeling such a loss for some old hippie from California who happened to have a blog, and who happened to write very well, and who happened to share my passion for good folk music and good beer? Because I felt as close to Jim as I have to any friend I have "in real life". And sometimes I question whether I have any close friends "in real life". Jim and I shared music and beer through the mail, and his comments on this blog were always warm and friendly and thoughtful. I felt Jim's love for his family, his rage against a world gone wrong, but yet his appreciation for all that was good with the world. I really wish I could have made it out to Big Bear Lake, CA and shared a couple of homebrewed beers and a few tunes with him.

Didn't see that coming. Tomorrow is not a guarantee for any of us.

So where was I? In the middle of a Minnesota winter, which hasn't been too terrible around here. I happen to live in a small area which has managed to dodge the bullet from all the major snowstorms that have happened to the north and south of here. We had one or two nights of -20 degree weather, which if I remember from my first year of blogging, isn't that bad.

Most of my time is spent going to work, and then going to basketball games or picking Calvin and Starflower up from practice. I am so proud of them. Calvin, 8th grade, has found his social niche through sports and band, and Starflower, only in 6th grade, has shown amazing dedication to becoming a volleyball and basketball player. I look back at my junior high career and think wow...these kids sure didn't get their social skills from me!

Now if I could only figure out a way to spend less money on auto maintenance. A series of oil leaks in the Subaru, followed by a blown tire today. Sigh. That tire was only two months old! Either logging debris or bad stuff in the road sand.

Sorry this is so disconnected. It's just my state of mind these days...but maybe if I wrote more, it would get better. It's worth a try.

reacting

My mind has been on a vacation lately. At least that part of my mind that can take the experiences of my life, and turn them into coherent blog posts. I really miss being able to do that, and am doing everything I can to ensure that I will be able to do that again as soon as possible.

Until such time as that happens, I have a couple observations on the events of this past week. My heart cries for those who were killed in Tucson, and I, while not being a praying kind of person in general, nevertheless say a prayer for Gabrielle Giffords whenever I can. For her, and all those whose lives were changed in an instant. I continue to be amazed at Ms. Giffords' strength and recovery, and I somehow wonder if the positive energy sent by so many people doesn't have something to do with it.

We do not know what exactly provoked this tragedy. We may never will. But regardless of whether or not hateful rhetoric had anything to do with it, I ask this: Can anyone who calls themself a Christian condone any rhetoric that implies violence? And if mental illness had anything to do with it, how have we as a society supported early diagnosis and treatment of mental illness? How have we shown support for individuals who may be suffering from a physiological illness, who manifest it by appearing antisocial? Have we lost the ability to care for those within our community, or have we become victims to chemical onslaughts we don't even know about? How about alienation in general...which I think is an ailment that afflicts more and more.

Maybe an afternoon of cross country skiing tomorrow will help me to think more clearly.

one week into the new year...

I've been thinking about time a lot lately. Or, more specifically, the lack of free time I seem to be experiencing, and the discombobulated state of mind that results. Not to mention the lack of blog posts. I still have a lot to say, but in order to blog I need to sit down in front of the computer, the real computer, not the iPhone, and ideally have some peace and quiet while I compose my thoughts. The computer is still located in the cabin, which is not a bad place for it. When I came out to the cabin twenty minutes ago I had it to myself. Now three boys are here playing video games while The Hermit decided now was the perfect moment to pick up a month's worth of cans and trash from all around (This is a man cave, after all, and I DON'T clean here.) We are still configuring the wi-fi signal so it reaches the house consistently, and I suppose when that happens I could learn how to type faster and write real posts on my iPhone.

I have decided that once in a while, a woman just needs to treat herself to a hair appointment. I had a particularly bad hair day Wednesday, thanks to our hard water and dry wood stove air. I took one look in the mirror and saw a flat, unflattering, overgrown hair style with dirty highlights and frizzy grays springing up here and there. I know, I've earned them, but still...so I got on the phone and made an appointment for this morning. I walked in saying "I'm open to suggestions..." which is a pretty bold move for me.

The results: LOVE it! It seemed at times she was randomly swiping a razor at my hair, but my hair now has shape to it. The color reminds me of photos of me at about 4 or 5 years old, when I actually had a tinge of red in the color mix. Most importantly, it makes me feel good. More youthful, maybe. Does that make me a shallow person? I don't think so.

In other business, I watched Calvin play in a very exciting eighth grade basketball game on Thursday. I don't particularly like watching basketball, but this game had me on the edge of my seat. The score was never more than four points in favor of either team, and both teams were playing hard and fast. With minutes remaining, the score started to favor Calvin's team, and they held on to it for a 41-37 victory! Starflower had two games this week, and the schedule looks busy right through mid February.

Mr. Attitude has been spotting lots of ruffed grouse (he calls them "partridge") eating buds in the trees at dusk. The redpolls are finally starting to show up at the feeders, and there are still large flocks of goldfinches. And of course, chickadees.

Today's afternoon includes some general housekeeping, possibly taking the Christmas tree down, and maybe, just maybe, some music.

Catching up on Reverb10

My friend "rayfamily" at Tilting at Windmills has been participating in Reverb10, a daily series of writing prompts designed to help reflect on the year gone by and set goals for the year ahead. I've been following, thinking "Yeah, this might be good for me, BUT...(enter excuse here)". Well, today when I looked back on my blogging efforts for the year and found a measly 65 posts, I decided this might be a good thing to get me back into the habit of writing. So I'm jumping in, but I have nine days' worth of catching up to do. I won't go into each prompt as much as I'd perhaps like to, but they have stimulated some good introspection. And I won't take the time to write out the entire prompts in this catch-up post, so if you're interested in the whole story, please visit the Reverb10 website. And, if I can get into the game this late, you can too if you want.

December 1- (One word that describes 2010): Motion. It seems this year I have constantly been in motion. From the busy-ness of everyday life, job, and kids' activities, to moving forward with some much needed house projects, to the inner sense of motion. Motion = the opposite of standing still. In the past I have had a tendency to stagnate, to avoid action. I think I have been much more in motion this year, always seeking, growing, sometimes spinning in circles, sometimes trying uselessly to swim against the flow, but always in motion.

December 2- (What do you do every day that discourages writing): Basically getting caught up in everyday life, and NOT taking that time for myself that I know I need.

December 3- (Recall a moment in 2010 when you felt the most alive): Okay, this is one that deserved a blog post in itself, and I fully intended to do it, but I got too busy...

The evening of Halloween I took Calvin, Starflower, Mr. Attitude, and a couple of friends trick or treating in the town of Sandstone, about eighteen miles from home. Calvin had no intention of trick or treating, but he had hoped a friend would come along so they could lurk around and scare kids. (Teenagers!) That friend could not make it, so Calvin and I had an hour or so to ourselves. I decided to drive down to the Kettle River, to an old dam site and some cool trails that go through rock crevices and over the sandstone bedrock by the river. It was near sunset when we got there. The river was raging from the torrential rains that had happened earlier in the week. For a few minutes we stood at the water's edge, just listening to the power of the water. Then we walked around, hopping over crevices, noticing rocks carved by years of flowing water, but now well above the river bank. The sky was pink and indigo, the paths were covered with fallen leaves, and the air was crisp. Calvin and I were noticing the same things, and appreciating them in a way we seldom get to do. We lingered there in the twilight, mother and son. I think we even hugged once or twice.

(Then I got the wild idea to drive down this small road that follows the river. I didn't get too far, and almost got our 2007 Suburban stuck in a gigantic puddle. Calvin and I could not stop laughing.) NOW THAT'S LIVING!

December 4- (What have you done to cultivate a sense of wonder this year?) I have tried to catch myself "in the moment", aware of my surroundings, turning off the internal noise. I have tried to see the lesson and gift in every experience and every person I encounter. I have contemplated the Tao te Ching.

December 5- (What did you let go of?) Tough one. Some things are easier to let go than others. I can think of more thoughts/ideas that I should let go of than ones I have. Perhaps the big one was letting go of my disappointment in politics after the election, and turning to working towards what I believe in.

December 6- (What was the last thing you made?) Those of you who follow this blog have probably figured out I'm not a crafty person. The only things I make are food and the occasional home brew, and I don't consider those "made" by me since I am only a facilitator in natural processes. I am a musician, but again I don't "make" music so much as I facilitate it.

December 7- (What have you done this year to connect with community?) That's easy. Surprisingly, Facebook has helped me connect with people, even a couple new local friends. That, and participating in community theater. It's been a good year for community.

December 8- (How are you "beautifully different"?) I'll take a rain check and give this one a think.

December 9- (What was the best party you attended this year?) I'm not a party person. I'd have to say camping out at the bluegrass festival, meeting up with some old friends and picking with Dick and Lloyd was my party event of the year.

Looking forward to tomorrow's prompt, and I will do my best to stick with this.

election reflections

Like many people yesterday, I was in a state of shock, anger, and despair at the election results. Not that I had any particular affinity for the Democrats that were defeated, but that mean-spirited divisiveness had once again prevailed. I think that many people voted with emotion, whipped into a frenzy by rallies and slogans, instead of reason. And I fear that many average people—working class neighbors, churchgoers, men and women who gather in Main Street diners across the nation—were manipulated. The media industry told them they were dissatisfied, and since people have a tendency to want to identify with a group (the tribal mentality), they started feeling more and more dissatisfied. And sincethat media industry has taught us we no longer need to be civil in public discourse, hateful words flew like never before.

I admit to getting caught up in that negative energy at times, letting it consume my thoughts. Last night I vented my despair on Facebook, which is good for purposes like that. What followed were some very thoughtful comments that helped me to put things in perspective. I will repost them here:

John: Actually, no one having a clear majority for a while might be good. I'm hearing some Republicans admitting that they do not have a mandate. Maybe that whole, "listen to the people" thing might happen. Yeah right, beer me.

Robin: It always blows my mind that there are powerful people who think destroying the environment is an acceptable way to make money. Like they don't have to drink clean water or breathe clean air. Short-sighted lunatics.

Will: Note to Deb: the federal govt is a lost cause. Has been for awhile. Not that they wont cause trouble (er.. not be honest about real troubles). Concentrate on local, on social networks. sustainable agriculture & culture. permaculture. Read up on Sharon Astyk, Transition Town, Nicole Foss ("Stoneleigh"), etc & other wise souls. listen to nature, forests, wildlife. work for peace.

Will: (quoting Chunyi Lin)

Hello my friends! Take everything easy. Whatever will be, will be. Don't make your own judgment. As long as you know you are doing good things for people, no matter what other people may think or say about you, just continue with ...what you are doing. Then you will find peace in your mind. Then you will live a happy life.

Laura: Easy there, Deb. I've been really down this week; I know, despair is so tempting, but remember this: we who are tempted to despair, we who notice, we who care: we need each other.

Vicki: Well, I've been blue today, too, finding it hard to believe that arrogance and self-interest continues to rule. Then I remember what my grandmother always said: Pride goes before a fall. I believe it.

Today is a new day. Life is too short to get caught up in despair and helplessness. So I will stop spending my precious energy raging against what I cannot change. I will do what I can to make my small part of the world a better place. I will smile and say hello to strangers. I will attempt to understand and listen to someone I do not like. I will sing and dance. I will play the flute. I will plant a garden. I will do crazy, fun, spontaneous things with my kids. I will teach what I can. I will always be learning. I will practice compassion. And, as Wendell Berry says in Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front: I will laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. I will be joyful, though I have considered all the facts.

Edited to add: There were actually some good things that happened on the local level. Our county elected a new sheriff, who I believe will make much-needed improvements to local law enforcement. My district re-elected two state legislators, both whom I know personally and I think are outstanding people. And they both have family members in "Hello, Dolly!"

finding delight

Boredom is not the same as having too much time on our hands. Its root goes much deeper...to what (can be described as) a failure to find the world and each other compelling or interesting. We find the world boring because we don't see very clearly why it is valuable and good or how and why we practically and beneficially belong to it. We are bored with ourselves because we don't think that what we do really matters much or is of life-giving interest to others. And so we become disengaged from each other, wandering about in a fog of diminished hopes and expectations. Not knowing what to do, and having become suspicious of what our society encourages us to do, we sit around, hoping to find some inspiration. What we have here are the ideal conditions for the entertainment industry to pump us up with artificial stimulation, excitement, and false hope...

If we remember that delight is made possible by our loving and deep affirmation and embrace of others..., then it is easier to see how our desire to possess or be entertained by others works against our joy in them...

-Norman Wirzba, Living The Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight

I realize my lack of posting lately may be due to being preoccupied with worldly matters and not taking the time to experience the delight that daily life has to offer. But without this sense of delight, we are the dead walking. Stay tuned for a renewed and refreshed sense of delight and wonder!!!!

radical simplicity

Life has been interesting this last week or so. I was going through a crisis period where I found myself wishing I had me a sugar daddy, that money would just fall out of the sky, and then BAM. We got what we needed, and I realized my longing for money, which I had initially dismissed as inherently evil, causing even greater tension within myself, was just a normal human thing, nothing to worry about.

I mean, I was chastising myself for wanting things like a house that looks somewhat finished! Hot and cold running water indoors! Money to pay off the last propane tank fill so we could get the next one! And maybe, just maybe, new running shoes. I'm a materialistic, greedy wench! ;)

It doesn't help that my spouse and I have entirely different attitudes towards money, and the handling of it. By most standards we should have been doomed a long time ago. But somehow through our differences we still see the value that lies within our family, and it is precious. But it ain't easy.

In the midst of it all I started reading Elaine St. James' book, Simplify Your Life. It came in a box of books I received from a local Facebook/Blogger friend (not the same one who brought the yeast; social media has been very good to me locally!) After the first few hints, I was almost laughing hysterically, while I realized "How could I simplify my life any further? If simplicity means getting rid of high heels and frequent restaurant dinners, I'm already way beyond there!"

I realize there are people out there living an overbooked, overly materialistic life. And the book was written in 1994, long before the bubble burst. But still...The Hermit and I were discussing the other day about bathroom plans, and we both decided why bother with an indoor toilet if we can get by (as we have, for seven years now) without one? Why defecate indoors? Why waste water flushing waste to a septic system? (we still will run washing and kitchen water to a graywater system)

I know, it sounds radical. But would it have sounded radical less than a hundred years ago, when outhouses were the norm and $20,000 mound septic systems were not required by law? Who decided we should not be able to make that choice? (Our township is one of the few where you can still make the choice in some circumstances)

Life as we know it is bound to get "simpler" whether we like it or not. For many of us, it's a paycheck away from involuntary simplicity. I don't have much time for magazines that preach simplicity but devote pages to expensive interior design and gadgets designed to help us "simplify" things. Real simplicity comes from living without, and making hard choices.

Nettle/dandelion beer

WHAT?!

She's crazy, I tell ya,

Beer from NETTLES? And I've heard of dandelion wine, but BEER? From the GREENS?

I did it. Today, because I was fascinated with the idea that in other times, other cultures, people (especially women) brewed beer from ingredients other than malted barley and hops, I brewed a beer from stinging nettles. And dandelions.


Of course, dandelions are in no short supply. And on my 40 acres, I have a couple reliable sources of stinging nettles, one of them being a flower bed right outside the house. Why nettles choose to grow there I do not know.

I did add a few non-locally harvested ingredients, among them lemons and ginger root. I also added some lime basil, because I had it, and because I thought it would add a good flavor.

Nettles, dandelion leaves, dandelion root, ginger root, and lemon zest were boiled for about half an hour, or until the leaves barely retained any leaf structure. Meanwhile, two pounds of brown sugar (that's one whole bag), and cream of tartar and the juice from the lemons (4 of them) were mixed together. When the whole mess was done boiling, I strained the liquid into the pot with the sugar and stuff, and let the sugar dissolve before pouring it into the fermenter (the 5 gallon glass carboy in the top picture). After a couple of hours, when it had cooled to slightly warm to the touch, I added the yeast.

The yeast is a story of its own. You can buy bread yeast in any store, and it might work for brewing beer, but if you want the kind of yeast that works best for brewing beer, you generally have to buy it from home brew supply stores. Being short of cash and not wanting to drive 100 miles to a brew store last week, I made an appeal over Facebook to see if anyone in my area was keeping any yeast cultures and could spare some. To my great surprise, a local Facebook friend and musician, whom I had only just recently met in real life in a chance encounter in line at the grocery store, contacted another friend of his, who had a packet of yeast to spare. Say what you will about social media, but I have gotten to know a few people locally through Facebook whom otherwise I would not have met.

A few hours later, carbon dioxide is happily bubbling through the air lock, a sign that fermentation is well on its way. We'll see how this experiment tastes in a few days. I don't expect it to be like any beer I've tasted before, and that is part of the fun of this whole project! I like that I didn't spend about 30 bucks on a pre-assembled beer kit. This is far more adventurous.

national day of...

warning...semi rant ahead...

First of all, I will make myself clear. If you spent today in prayer, alone or in the community of others, I respect that. And in the U.S. and a lot of other nations, we are fortunate to live where the act of prayer is allowed, even encouraged, and not driven underground.

That said, I do not feel it is the business of our government to go about promoting prayer. As much as I feel it is not the business of our government to promote meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books, dancing naked around a bonfire, or any other practice that suggests spirituality.

I am not a praying person. I always felt strange petitioning some father figure Up There, who already was supposed to know my needs and have some Divine Plan for me, with my own needs and wants of the day. I learned at an early age that we do not always get what we pray for. So why pray? But if it brings you peace, that is good.

I would rather see a "National Day of Reconciliation". "National Day of Talking To Your Neighbors". "National Day Where Hate Is Forbidden". "National Day of Tearing Down Walls". Prayer is easy. Action, not so much.

You may say I'm a dreamer... but am I the only one?

spring metamorphosis

The big burst of spring color is happening. I love this time of year perhaps even more than fall, because these colors represent new growth and rebirth. In the spirit of personal growth and rebirth, I convinced myself to go for a run this morning, and I even made it over four miles. I had not been running for a while; for some reason I was not excited about it this spring and the excuses were flying everywhere. So instead of fighting it I gave myself a break, with the promise that I would return to running...when I was good and ready.

It was one of those dramatic skies. Morning had dawned clear and blue and sunny, but the clouds started rolling in about the time I decided to go running. If I had waited ten minutes, I may have decided the wind was too much...which is of course another excuse. As it turned out, I had a great run despite the wind, and I even put up with holding the camera in one hand the entire way so I could take pictures of the ever changing skies and the spring color. These tamaracks are definitely a bit wind-tossed.

Marsh marigolds are blooming in profusion, a week or so earlier than normal. These were just up the road from my house, in an area where there are flowing springs in the ditches. I was wondering if that was watercress next to the marsh marigolds.

I have been feeling the spring metamorphosis in another aspect of life--my music. In the past month or so I have played my instruments more than in perhaps the last six months total. Sure I have talked a lot about my musical efforts on this blog, but until now something was missing, that personal commitment to make music a part of life rather than just a hobby I participated in once in a while. I always had reasons/excuses why I wasn't making it happen. But for whatever reason, that has changed. Yesterday I took the day off work and played guitar, banjo, and mandolin from about 9 AM-3 PM or longer. I worked through some fundamentals on guitar, learned some new chords and scale patterns, and learned another Greg Brown song (Billy From the Hills). I don't know where I'm going with this, but for now I don't care. I'm finally breaking down the personal barriers to doing what I love, and I think good things will happen with it.

what a few stitches cost

Did you know a trip to the emergency room for stitches costs 700 dollars?

I got the bill for Starflower's recent incident the other day, and it nearly blew my mind. I knew we were talking at least a couple hundred bucks, but wow.

I was grateful for the bottom line: "Expected insurance coverage = 100%", although I knew better. We have not met our deductible for the year, so we will have to pay about $150. Still, I am more fortunate than a lot of folks in that my job provides health insurance.

While I think a lot needs to be done in the way of cost containment, personal responsibility, and defining why it is that people need to be on so many prescription medications anyway, I am glad this nation has finally taken a big step towards providing affordable health care for most, and guaranteeing that those who need it most will not lose it. After all, stitches happen, despite our best efforts at prevention. Although maybe next time I'll do them myself! (Taking them out myself saved us/insurance at least a $120 doctor visit.)

dude, where's my culvert?

I think I can say unequivocally that ice skating season is over. Actually this year we did not get out skating once. The ice formed, then enough snow fell before the ice was thick enough to support its weight so there was slush. Then slush froze into hard bumps that even the best Zamboni would not be able to resurface.

The ice has been retreating at a pace unusual for March. The weather lately has been a blessing for a winter weary soul (and a blessing for our heating bill, which could use a break). Yesterday and today above 60 degrees = unbelievable (but very likable). I think after the last few years we deserve a March like this.

This fast meltdown and runoff has posed a bit of a problem though, and it's not just the mud in the driveway, which may go away sooner than normal if this continues. The problem is, the pond is at record high water levels. That means that at some point, water is not flowing out of the pond.

This is a view directly below the pond outflow culvert. So water is flowing through that one fine. But there is another culvert, underneath our driveway. There is lots of water above the driveway, but little below. A-ha.

I decided to investigate this matter today instead of going for a run. The pond outflow runs north through the outflow culvert and the driveway culvert. This is an important fact: The driveway shades the outflow below it so that thawing happens more slowly. I entered the ditch north of the driveway, and at first could not even see any sign of a culvert. Then, as I examined more closely, I saw, just above the surface of an ice pack, a curved form that looked like the top of a culvert. I chipped out some ice with a heavy spud bar (ice chisel) and it did indeed appear to be the culvert I was looking for.

I continued to chip away at the ice, thinking perhaps I could break through. I could have broken through, with unlimited strength. The ice was still sturdy and unrelenting, and finally I gave up with the idea that I had speeded the process. Just a little.

I am not too concerned at this point. Most of the snow has melted, and the pond is as high as it is going to get. Unless, of course, we get a couple inches of rain in one night. Then maybe we would be faced with a driveway washed away, unable to drive anywhere, huge excavating bill to get things back to normal. Nope. Don't even want to go there.

Hopefully another day or two of this wonderful weather will resolve the problem.