Lately I'd like to know just when it was that I stopped believing anything was possible and started telling myself I wasn't good at stuff. What if I hadn't listened to myself at that point?
My mind is working differently these days. There's an energy now, something that tells me I can understand way more than I thought I ever could. I am reading books and essays that would have passed way over my head when I was in college. I am listening to in depth radio news programs and starting to comprehend the complex situations in nations like Afghanistan. I am thinking that even had I chosen an improbable career like investment banking, I could have been good at it. I could have been good at anything, with the possible exception of organic chemistry. And I may have even developed some intuitive understanding of molecules that I did not have before.
I have been listening to classical public radio more and more lately, and it has felt like a reunion with my old college flute playing days, even my young adult community orchestra days. I miss being a part of a Mahler or Schubert symphony. I entered college as one of the best flutists in the freshman class, but I lacked the confidence that I needed to take it to the next level. But I still have the skill. Now that I play mostly for fun, I'm sounding better than ever.
So now I have this crazy dream. There is a symphony orchestra in the nearest medium size city. Not a huge status thing for a classical musician, I think they probably all have day jobs as well, but they do have a pretty good reputation. I was just wondering...maybe if I start seriously practicing again, the next time they have auditions for a flute player...I could have what it takes. I just have to take myself seriously enough. But not too seriously; not being chosen would not be the end of the world. I don't have anything to lose by trying!
This orchestra also happens to be playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony Saturday night. I found this out just a few days after I declared to myself that I want to hear an orchestra and choir perform that symphony live some day. Coincidence? Tickets start at $25, and I just might be taking myself to the symphony this weekend. :)
10 comments:
OMG...I think you are being controlled by aliens...lol
You are experiencing what a lot of people do...it's called maturity. It takes away all those insecurities we once had.
Hi Deb,
Enjoyed your post -- chuckled when I read "organic chemistry." I feel the same way, although I would through in inorganic chemistry too. If only they would figure out a good way to teach those classes, as the content seems really important - basic to human life, and could be interesting if they talked about practical things.
Go for the symphony!
Ellen
Go to the symphony, and then go the distance!
Oh Deb... GO FOR IT! Heck, of course we are good enough, even if we're not "chosen" we are always definitely good enough. I double dog dare you! Tee hee hee!
Go, Deb, Go!
That's a BEAUTIFUL dream. I love how you integrate the fine arts into your home-made life.
I'm noticing that increasing loss of mental constriction in my world too. Everything seems so much more possible, which is strange, since in a lot of ways, I have a lot more structures in my world that dictate what I "can" do.
It's good.
The world is your oyster ... or mussel, or snail or whatever you have up there.
Richard- maturity is a good thing. Wish I'd found it earlier! :)
Ellen- The teaching is everything in subjects like that. I could just never make the connections between diagrams and equations and everything.
Pablo- "go the distance"...have you been watching Field of Dreams lately? Hermit just bought it on DVD.
Jayne- Dare taken! :)
Island Rider- Thanks, sometimes a good cheering section is all it takes!
Madcap- Now if I could just get the young ones to practice piano more...and Calvin has not even brought his saxophone home since school started! Glad you're feeling the mental expansion too.
FC- We have quite a variety of mussels in the rivers. There even used to be a local mother of pearl button industry. So the world is my Fat Mucket (one of the local species).
The only problem is, flute positions in orchestras are much more harder to come by than those dime-a-dozen violins. :) There may be a flute opening within the year, or in ten years. I just have to be ready.
Go for that symphony Deb. You'll never know if you don't try, right?
RuthieJ- I did practice today, and thought about how much more I need to practice. But I can do it, and in the mean time I'll set a great example for my kids, right?
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