Lately I'd like to know just when it was that I stopped believing anything was possible and started telling myself I wasn't good at stuff. What if I hadn't listened to myself at that point?
My mind is working differently these days. There's an energy now, something that tells me I can understand way more than I thought I ever could. I am reading books and essays that would have passed way over my head when I was in college. I am listening to in depth radio news programs and starting to comprehend the complex situations in nations like Afghanistan. I am thinking that even had I chosen an improbable career like investment banking, I could have been good at it. I could have been good at anything, with the possible exception of organic chemistry. And I may have even developed some intuitive understanding of molecules that I did not have before.
I have been listening to classical public radio more and more lately, and it has felt like a reunion with my old college flute playing days, even my young adult community orchestra days. I miss being a part of a Mahler or Schubert symphony. I entered college as one of the best flutists in the freshman class, but I lacked the confidence that I needed to take it to the next level. But I still have the skill. Now that I play mostly for fun, I'm sounding better than ever.
So now I have this crazy dream. There is a symphony orchestra in the nearest medium size city. Not a huge status thing for a classical musician, I think they probably all have day jobs as well, but they do have a pretty good reputation. I was just wondering...maybe if I start seriously practicing again, the next time they have auditions for a flute player...I could have what it takes. I just have to take myself seriously enough. But not too seriously; not being chosen would not be the end of the world. I don't have anything to lose by trying!
This orchestra also happens to be playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony Saturday night. I found this out just a few days after I declared to myself that I want to hear an orchestra and choir perform that symphony live some day. Coincidence? Tickets start at $25, and I just might be taking myself to the symphony this weekend. :)