Sunday, January 04, 2015

Returning to the path

To me, blogging has always been about truth. Speaking the truth, and in doing so, trying to find the truth. I am inconveniently blessed with the desire to find the real truth, not some version that carries great authority, nor some version that feels good and brings me close to a circle of like minded people. 

Truth is an elusive thing. Every artist, every composer or musician creates their version of it, honed by experience. Some come close to getting it right. I was playing a Bach partita on flute today, sight reading it actually; I have had this sheet music for over 25 years and had never looked beyond the first movement. Life has this sneaky way of getting in the way. But when I play Bach, whether it is a piece I know or one that is new to me, I feel a sense of "rightness". The phrases progress precisely the way they need to. There is truth in that. 

So maybe my lack of blogging frequency in recent years has been due to a feeling that I am not completely expressing the truth about my existence. I'm not telling outright lies, nor do I have the need to, but there are truths out there that I am not comfortable putting in words for everyone to see. Is there anyone who can't say that? 

For example, when I started this blog, I (rather pompously) considered myself a "homesteader"--you know, the self sufficient lifestyle, to various degrees. I even included the term in my blog description. But over the years, the term has lost its meaning to me and I no longer identify with it. To tell the ongoing story, of how we built our own house and all that, means leaving out some truths that don't fit that "homesteader" image. The human fallibility. The stuff I don't want others to see, mostly. 

But now that I'm older (50 is on the not so distant horizon), I'm inclined to care less about what others think, and so long as I do not go dramatic, a little raw honesty is a good thing. In fact, it may even help me write those songs I've been trying to all these years. You see, I'm not a singer songwriter, like I want to be. I'm
a parrot, a cover artist who just happens to be able to pull it off because I sound a bit like Emmylou Harris. :)

So what am I trying to say here? What in God's name am I blathering about? It is this: I want to return to a time when writing came more easily to me, but I want to add the wisdom and honesty that only years can bring. Who knows where it will go; the fact that I am sitting here typing this out on my iPhone is a miracle in itself. So, we'll see. 


Lausten North said...

"Is there anyone who can't say that?"
I don't think so. If there is, I'd like to meet them.

Jayne said...

Oh, how I can SO relate to this, Deb. And, oh, how I long to find within me the same desire that once flowed so freely. Maybe, like you, I want to be able to be more authentic, and yet, I'm fearful. So fearful, that I've actually even gone to the trouble of creating my blog on Wordpress to see if I could simply "start over" and blog to people who don't know me. That's how fearful I am of telling the truth. And yet, I migrated my entire Blogger content over there, as I can't seem to leave five years of my life behind. Will I simply be writing to thin air? Will it have any meaning if people who don't know me are reading it? Would it be too painful for people who DO know me to read it? So many questions, and no good answers. I'll be tuning in to get inspiration my friend. Sending love and blog hugs your way. XO

R.Powers said...

Glad you are back :)

Denise said...

Good to see you writing again. I've missed these posts.

Yonassan Gershom said...

I can relate to this too, Deb. My blog serves a different purpose from yours, but I do self-censor what I reveal about my personal life. I don't post photos of my ultra-messy desk, the cat hair all over, the dirty dishes in the sink. So my blog is visually a lot more neat and organized than I really am!

And I can relate to wanting to move on and maybe drop former labels of oneself. Back in 1992 I wrote a book called "Beyond the Ashes: Cases of Reincarnation from the Holocaust" that became a classic in its field -- and so badly typecast me that nobody wanted to hear about anything else. It killed all my speaking engagements about Jewsih spirituality, mysticism, nature... My public image became one-dimensional.

You will notice that I never talk about the book on my blog. I got so sick of being the "Holocaust reincarnation rabbi" that I purposely designed my blog to be about the OTHER things in my life and philosophy. About my CURRENT activities, not 20 years ago. I have even balked at bringing the book back into print because I did not want to start it all up again. (Economics won out -- a new edition is due in 2015 -- but even there, is my motive only money now? Could be. We have to eat.)

So if "homesteader" doesn't fit you anymore, that's OK. We all change. Only God is unchangeable. Everything else moves on in one way or another.